Campaign Treehouse

“Daryl Hall had long refused to tell his friends why he calls you all of the time,” said one high-ranking intelligence source. “Then, in 2002, he started giving such secrets away. What made him change? It had to be your kiss.”

WASHINGTON (CT) - A former aide to a top GOP lawmaker says he warned House Speaker Dennis Hastert's staff about comedian Michael Richards in 2004, well before Richards launched a tirade of racial epithets at a heckler during a recent standup comedy routine.

Delay reiterated his innocence in the speech, saying "Everything I have done is legal. What I've told the authorities is true... from a certain point of view."

AUSTIN (CT) - Vice President Dick Cheney liberated a South Texas quail ground over the weekend, and promised elections would be held before the end of the year.

"We have the terrorists on the run," Cheney said upon returning to the hospital. "Let that be a lesson to those who would have us retreat and appease, rather than push forward."

WASHINGTON (CT) - The National Archives has released a document from 1985 stating that Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito Jr. may have already won 20 million dollars.

The document, which was released earlier this week, states that Alito may be the sole winner of the big $20 million jackpot, to be announced during the Super Bowl. It adds that Alito could increase his chances of winning by using the special, one-time-only deal to subscribe to as many as six of the day's top magazines, including Reader's Digest, Time or Pancake and Waffle Enthusiast.