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Smooth Criminals
"COPS" turns 21 today, which means it's a perfect day to bring up a story that I've been meaning to write about for a while. Meet a man who allegedly tried to do a robbery at a police officers' convention:
Retired police chief John Comparetto was attending the meeting of 300 officers when he was allegedly held up at gunpoint in the men's toilets.
He handed over money and a phone but then he and some colleagues gave chase as the suspect tried to flee in a taxi.
They arrested a 19-year-old man over the incident near Harrisburg.
...
The Associated Press news agency reported that when a journalist asked the suspect for comment as he was led from court, he said: "I'm smooth."
Talk about an all-purpose response!
"Why didn't you put the recycling out last night?"
"I'm smooth."
"Why did you embezzle those funds from hardworking people?"
"I'm smooth."
"You drove through the wall of a nursing home, stole a patient's wheelchair, drove the suspect down a hallway in the stolen wheelchair and launched him out a sixth story window, all without reading the suspect his Miranda rights! What have you got to say for yourself, Callahan?"
"I'm smooth, Chief."
You're with us forever, because we took a picture of you
I came home this afternoon to a dead squirrel in my driveway - an odd occurrence in our neighborhood, and odder still in that he had not been run over. My investigation has also ruled out suicide, as it could not have leaped off the neighbor's roof to where it landed.
Now typically that's where I leave off and my wife picks things up. I have not ever done well with dead animals; the last time there was a rodent fatality on our property I literally ran screaming out of the room to find her. I once worked at a library with goldfish, and - wait, that didn't come out right. The goldfish weren't my coworkers, they were in a tank in our room. Nonetheless, one of them eventually passed on because he'd essentially turned into a bloated, distended Orson Welles of fish. I tried desperately to weasel out of dealing with his remains but ended up having to flush him. I think it took a couple of tries, too.
And I wasn't even the most skittish one there. The custodian, who I felt was much better equipped to handle these things, categorically refused to deal with the fish or any other non-human lifeform. We had a mouse problem in the building at one point, and while he put out traps for them, he couldn't bear to check them. One time a mouse bounded out from behind a cabinet, and he yelped a little yelp and jumped onto a chair. Remember the scene in "Dumbo" where Timothy the mouse defends Dumbo from all the mean elephants by making faces at them, and they freak out and jump on anything nearby to keep away from him because he's a mouse? That's what this guy did. And that freaked the mouse out, so he started running for cover, and that freaked out the guy more. They may still be at it today, nine years later.
But this time I felt like I couldn't just leave the poor squirrel out there in the driveway. After all, if it were me lying there, I'd hope whoever found me would show a little empathy, or at least not run screaming from the scene. So I decided to be brave and dug a nice little spot under the pine trees, said a few words and buried him. Witnesses may point out that I carried my six-foot shovel out at length in front of me as I brought the squirrel's body over for burial; perhaps this was not an elaborate, New Orleans-style funeral with brass bands and cathartic dancing, but I did give the squirrel a compassionate sendoff without completely flipping out. Baby steps are still steps.
Anyway, I present this video in honor of the squirrel. This is the kind of funeral anyone would be proud to have, as long as they didn't mind that it was held in a bathroom and the participants repeatedly forgot the name of the deceased.
Neatorama and family invite you to a meal in honor of the squirrel
Counting Japanese, I Really Think So
Every day I wake up determined to find a way to make the world make a little less sense. And every so often I do a pretty good job. And then someone finds a brilliant clip from a Japanese game show that makes everything I do look positively normal by comparison.
I can't imagine what release forms must look like for contestants on this show. "Contestant acknowledges that he/she may be caned by a man wearing a surgical mask during the course of production, and agrees not to hold the producers liable in such event."
Guess I'll try again tomorrow. How about a call-in gardening show featuring a cow, three Spanish onions and a hand puppet that only quotes from REO Speedwagon songs?
You've ruined everything, Have You Seen This
Cracker Jack spelled backwards is "Kcaj Rekcarc"
Today is the birthday of a great Chicagoan, albeit one who had a longstanding grudge against a candy icon. A one... a two... a three...
This is Harry Caray just as I remember him - a little bit of baseball mixed in with "colorful anecdotes." I remember happening upon a Cubs game on TV in the mid 90's or so. It was the late innings, when things got really loopy. Harry spent the entire half-inning - and I do mean the entire half-inning - singing "Happy birthday" to someone who was at the ballpark that day. It was one of the greatest moments in television history.
There isn't much of that kind of color anymore, although I do enjoy it when Tim McCarver says things like "you just don't hear the word 'burnished' enough in baseball coverage." It's not quite Harry-worthy, but it's something.
If you'd like a few more of Harry's great moments, check out this post on JoeSportsFan where, among other things, Harry calls for booze in the Wrigley Field ice cream.
Let's get some runs!
Four Birds We Should All Watch With Concern
Everyone's keeping an eye on cats right now, and that's certainly wise. But I've discovered some shocking video evidence that birds may be conspiring against us while we're distracted. Are cats and birds actually working together? That's an incredibly dumb question, but it may be that we need to keep one eye on birds and one eye on cats, all the while watching the skies. In other words, go make an appointment with your eye doctor and then watch... stuff.
1. Metal Rooster
Metal Rooster embodies the existential dread of the male chicken. The only thing he has to live for is your succulence, and so he channels his aggression and despair into song. Metal Rooster's life is not pretty. Neither is his music.
Metal Rooster is currently preparing to tour Scandinavia in support of his debut album, co-produced by Bob Rock. His publicist refuses to deny rumors that he bit the head off a live human before meeting with record company executives.
2. Jennifer Beals Seagull
At first glance this seagull appears much less nihilistic than Metal Rooster, though just as musical. Or is it? Add a pair of bird-sized leg warmers and I'd bet good money that this bird is the reincarnation of Jennifer "Flashdance" Beals!
Reincarnating oneself as Jennifer Beals is a tricky process, especially when you realize that Jennifer Beals is still alive. Then again, she does fly over beaches a lot these days, squawking and stealing stuff from your cooler.
3. Shoplifting Sam
Did someone say stealing? Sam the Seagull has been kicked out of every beachside 7-Eleven on the West Coast, yet still he comes back for more. He doesn't even want the food, he just likes the thrill of the thing:
4. A Clockwork Bird
This is the scariest one by far: with nothing but a picture of a bird on a can, the bird freaking flips out and starts pecking until the can dies in agony. This could only have been caused by some sort of horrific bird reprogramming. Thank heaven Beethoven isn't playing in the background!
Maybe Hitchcock was right, folks. Let's be careful around birds from now on.
Lame New World Week 5: To Pac-Man, Your TV is Just Another Energy Pill
One last check-in before we wrap up the month, because winter isn't painful enough on its own!
The rules, once again: each submission can gain its movement up to ten points, or lose up to five.
The Star Wars Movement
Last week's Star Wars entry was so incomprehensible it singlehandedly dropped the movement into last place in our little contest. This week's entry is so incomprehensible it may restore the balance of the Force - and I don't just mean in this contest. Introducing, the insanely cheerful Japanese Star Wars tuna commercial
Just like last week, almost everything is wrong about this commercial: the Jawa here is taller than everybody, Chewbacca is jumping up and down like Donkey Kong, and the Galactic Civil War was not solved when the lead players from both sides sat down for a little "sea chicken." But even if it was, that would still not make me feel like my life was spiraling out of control, the way the burlesque show did. So as weird as this is, it gets a big vote of approval here. Remember that quote from This is Spinal Tap, "There's a fine line between stupid and clever"? We are standing on that line.
Points: +7
The Robot Movement
It was nice to see the robot people starting to move out of the realm of frightening love dolls and into more conventional areas of robotics. Like gymnastics! Or like defusing hostage crises!
Police had negotiated with Taylor by phone, but he made no demands other than a request for a pizza. He is reported to have told police he had a military background.
A team of SWAT police sheltered behind vehicles as Taylor wheeled himself out and "surrendered" to a bomb-disposal robot.
Now some may say this bomb-disposal bot is going beyond his mandate. If we let robots do police work, they say, aren't we encouraging robots to turn into Robocop-style vigilantes? Possibly, but this fella is preventing violence, not creating it. He's getting an alleged hostage-taker to surrender instead of destroying every fourth building in Detroit. I think this bot's enterprising spirit and can-do attitude are just what we need in these troubled times. And with a little luck, he'll follow in Robocop's footsteps and make a successful post-retirement transition from police work into pro wrestling.
Points: +5
The Math and Science Movement
We've broadened this movement to include all math and science, but that doesn't mean we don't have room for more periodic table stuff. That's why this week's entry is the Periodic Table of Smellements:
I have a tremendously weak stomach, so reading a long list of strong smells is not, perhaps, the best thing in the world for me. That said, look at the bottom right: if "Vomity Corpse" doesn't make you smile, you probably think this is a personal finance blog.
Points: +3
The Video Game Movement
What's not to like about a Pac-Man bookcase that eats your TV? Only that he's not yet available for sale. Also coming soon: a robotic Dig Dug statue that plows your garden, and a Defender-themed dishwasher that kidnaps the people in your house and turns them into mutants.
Points: +6
The LEGO Movement
Ok, LEGO chocolates, very cute, but there's a massive problem here. If you read that whole entry, you'll note that these LEGO chocolates were served at a dragon and sword-fighting-themed wedding. Hey, have whatever kind of wedding you want (do not have a Star Wars burlesque show wedding), but be consistent. LEGOs aren't dragons. Or I hope they aren't, cause I left a bunch of Duplo playsets next to that box of oily rags in my attic.
Points: -2
So, after week five, the standings are as follows:
| S.Wars | Robots | Science | V.Games | LEGO |
12 |
3 |
17 |
20 |
16 |
Until next week...
Foil Stamped. GUARANTEED
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you, the reader of this website, are an idiot with a terrible business card. This I have come to learn:
"It took me 25 years to design this," he says, and that's a bummer because he's a business card designer and has only been able to finish two projects, lifetime. Not to worry, though - he's well on his way to being profitable, provided he continues working until at least the year 2860.
When 900 years your business cards reach, look as good they will not!
"I build crowds, guaranteed! What do you do, guaranteed?" Well, take a look at MY card, dude, and it'll be pretty obvious!
Even if they don't like me, they don't throw it out.
Lame New World Week 4:Put That Thing Away Before You Get Us All Killed!
This project is off to such a lackluster start that a full introduction will only delay the inevitable pain that will come from some of these entries. So let's just start 'er up and hope that pushing forward will make things easier on its own.
The rules, once again: each submission can gain its movement up to ten points, or lose up to five.
The Star Wars Movement
A Star Wars burlesque show? That's not true... THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOO!!!!
Not that you need me to tell you what's going wrong here, but let's sum it up: C3P0 is fluent in six million forms of communication - and jiggling his chest at you is not one of them. Nor do I wish to see Boba Fett striking a seductive pose, or Jabba the Hutt... no, just no, and again, no. The shroud of the Dark Side has fallen, and FOR GOD'S SAKE PUT IT BACK ON ALREADY
By the way, I thought long and hard about ways to avoid showing you a picture of a suggestive dancer dressed as C3P0, but I felt you needed to know what was out there, so you could avoid it. Except that I just showed it to you. I'm very, very sorry.
Points: -5
The Robot Movement
Hey, finally a chance for the robot people not to be the creepiest ones in the contest, and they deliver a cool robot gymnast that can do the horizontal bar pretty well, providing it never has to land. The robot deserves at least as much credit as Kerri Strug got!
And you'll note this robot is fully clothed, and thank goodness for that.
Points: +6
The Math and Science Movement
Who are these people, some kind of religious cult that worships fuel cells? Nah, more likely they're just a family that likes hydrogen, and that strong show of support for an oft-neglected element is worth a point. Also, Hydrogen Family would be a great band name. "Hydrogen Family's 'Emo is the new black... again' gets 0.1 out of 10 this month from Pitchfork." See? It's simply got to be done.
Points: +2
The Video Game Movement
Hey, nice Ninja Gaiden diorama! Several of the 25 entries laid out here are well done, both as homages to video games and as old-school dioramas, though some are kind of weak, and how come there's no Metal Gear diorama? Some unrealized potential for a fun idea.
Points: +5
The LEGO Movement
This is a very cute LEGO coat rack, but there's obviously something missing: where are the LEGO coats? Wouldn't that be a big step in your quest to make LEGO reality everyone's reality? Don't work on the periphery! I'm getting more worked up about this than I should. It's a nice coat rack.
Points: +4
So, after week four, the standings are as follows:
| S.Wars | Robots | Science | V.Games | LEGO |
5 |
-2 |
14 |
14 |
18 |
Until next week...
Lame New World Week 3: Thank You Jesus, But Our Princess is in Another Castle
I confess, last week's pregnant Willie Aames-bot was really enough to scare me out of continuing this project, and focus on other things, like therapy. But an odd thing happened - I got a telephone call, and it was either from my mother-in-law or a robotic Scott Baio (it was a scratchy connection)! Whoever it was, and whatever it was they said (assuming they even called), the tone was clear: don't give up, no matter how frightening the news! Maybe putting Charles in charge of me is the wu wei of our time; to be free, let the river that is Baio flow, and swim with its tide. Ok. I've found my center, let us begin.
The rules, once again: each submission can gain its movement up to ten points, or lose up to five. We've also modified one of our movements a bit - since "periodic table" is a bit specific, we're going to allow any math or science-related stuff into that category. If we didn't, this already-questionable competition would fall flat on its face and we're only in week three. So...
The Star Wars Movement
Seinfeld Wars, eh? I gotta say, this doesn't really do it for me. While the art is well done, especially Newman hovering over everybody, it just doesn't quite match up. How is Kramer like Threepio? And is George supposed to be Han Solo, or is there a portly character wearing plaid shirts in the original picture? I just don't think the Force is quite with this week's entry.
Points: -1
The Robot Movement
Another week, another creepy peek into the worldview of robot designers. I'm happy it's not another fantasy fembot, but a child slave-bot isn't exactly what I was hoping for in its place. Initially I thought this project might find the evidence that the robot people really were leading us toward a "Terminator"-style dystopian future, but it really looks more like "KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park," where the robots are more creepy and irritating than bloodthirsty and violent. As such, I'm thinking we don't need an anti-robot resistance, we need a good solid expose from "Dateline NBC" to stop the insanity.
Aren't there any normal folks among you, robot people? Come on, you're off to a worse start than the Cubs in... well, any year.
Points: -2
The Math and Science Movement
Known formerly as the Periodic Table Movement, I'm thinking the new, broader category might lead to some really interesting, clever ideas.
Spoke too soon, I guess. Ok, a Pi shower curtain really isn't all that bad - it's got the first 4600 digits of Pi printed on the outside, and that's kind of impressive. I'm not quite sure what the utility is here, though. Am I supposed to stand in the bathroom while you're taking a shower and learn these numbers? Is this your way of coaxing me into some irrational expressions? I just want to be friends, ok? And I'm damn sure not going to use your washroom when I visit.
Points: +2
The Video Game Movement
What the hell? Super Mario Jesus makes even less sense than Seinfeld Wars - I don't remember any point in Scripture where the savior has to eat a mushroom and get taller, nor do I remember Mario choking out piranha plants or bodyslamming Bowser. I'm starting to wonder if homemade YouTube videos don't have continuity directors anymore.
Points: -2
The LEGO Movement
A LEGO computer mouse. Look, I'm just going to take a nap, and when I wake up I'm going to find much more interesting items for this project, right? You're all going to go out and make Star Wars Cuisinarts and Tetris-style robot cars... please?
Points: +2
So, after week three, the standings are as follows:
| S.Wars | Robots | Science | V.Games | LEGO |
10 |
-8 |
12 |
9 |
14 |
Until next week...
I kind of wish John Cusack was a puppet
Cause if I was sleeping and a puppet woke me up by blasting Peter Gabriel on his jukebox, I'd be touched and we'd have a tearful reunion. If John Cusack did it I'd grab the neighbor's bowhunting equipment and it would not end well.
Here's the original (and also impossibly cute) video. Thanks, Daily What
