Apparently It's National Pick On The Ultimate Warrior Day

Full disclosure: The Ultimate Warrior follows me on Twitter, so I am not going to pretend I am unbiased here. Granted, War has not shared any tips on destrucity with me yet, but I feel it's only a matter of time. When you expect to live to be 150, why rush?

But those who are not floatin' through the veins... and the power... of the Warriah... have certainly rushed to have their fun at the Ultimate One's expense. Take Chris Masters, who has been chomping at the proverbial bit to take a bite out of Warrior's hide since Warrior's big return in Barcelona earlier this year. I'm pretty sure there aren't actually any proverbs that involve chomping at a bit, but I don't think that invalidates my point. Anyway, Chris Masters idolized the Warrior growing up, and when he learned he would be on the card of Warrior's first match in over a decade, he began asking himself the only logical question: should I mark out or kick him in the nuts? And it looks like he settled on the latter, at least figuratively, because Masters did an Ultimate heel turn on his former idol after their meeting:

"The guy trained for this match like it was a bodybuilding show. He hadn’t wrestled legitimately in about 15 years, because let's be honest that WCW run doesn’t even count. He gave Orlando a hiptoss and a backdrop and then blew up in two minutes; there was nothing that Orlando could do. He stunk the whole joint out. We were backstage and it was unlike any atmosphere I have ever felt. We asked Juventud Guerrera what they were chanting in Spanish and it was things like boring and bullsh--. Whatever he thinks his value is, he is completely delusional. It is safe to say the Ultimate Warrior is an asshole, the best way to describe him is ugh."

Not everything Masters says about the match is fair - I happen to know, for example, that Warrior laid down in the lawn and let it run over him with lawnmowers to prepare himself - but Masters is entitled to his opinion. In short, Chris Masters was, like, fucker!!! about meeting the Warrior. (Good thing Jake Roberts wasn't there, I guess.)

But maybe he just got a bad first impression. Maybe those who know UW better will give him a fairer shake? Ah, guess not. Enter the former Mrs. Warrior, Shari Tyree and her tell-all book:

Only Shari Tyree knows the stunning truth behind the Warrior's face paint. Hellwig was a man possessed by demons, abusing steroids to achieve his massive, muscular frame, and then pain medications and anti-anxiety drugs to quell his fears, who had led a secretive double life that filled his marriage with turmoil and doubts about his fidelity, and even his sexuality. The avowed anti-homosexual avenger and anti-drug advocate battled with his own duality, and became the engine of his own destruction.

This book, as of yet without a publisher, is titled "Behind the Paint; My Life with Wrestling's Ultimate Warrior." If she'd really wanted to push the "gay Warrior" angle, she should've called it "Warrior Don't Make The World Work," but that's neither here nor there.

So Warrior, if you're bummed and having a bad day because Chris Masters and Shari Tyree have turned against you, remember, buddy, I'm still here. Well, me and Rob Van Dam, but he's too busy wondering if Krogers Double Coupons are a government conspiracy against dope or whatever, so just hang out with me. We can watch Wrestlemania VI, or maybe jump off the tallest building of the world, or get our booster shots of Hulkamania antibodies. Or better yet - we can beat up Phil Collins together!

I'll start shaking the ropes in my house to get ready, ok?