An Open Letter To John Malkovich

Dear Mr. Malkovich,

I am sure you heard a lot of buzz around Hollywood following my two open letters to Nicolas Cage but let me assure you that the tone of this one is not the same as the tone of the ones to the star of such gems as Bangkok Dangerous, The Weather Man, and Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

I am a big fan of yours for obvious reasons. You have given us tremendous moments in even run-of-the-mill action films. You bring a movie up a level but you play so many bad guys in so many dramatic roles and the purpose of this letter is simple: I encourage you to play more comedic roles.

The motivation for this letter came after seeing your great performance in Burn After Reading, the latest from the Coen Brothers. In a great cast with multiple Oscar winners, I believe your performance shined brightest. At least in the theater I saw it in, you got the biggest laughs and deservedly so.

That performance made me ponder your previous comedic roles and the most obvious one came to mind: Being John Malkovich. You played an over-the-top version of yourself that surpassed anyone's wildest dreams. Neil Patrick Harris and Jennifer Grey have done it more recently but you did it best. Pure gold, sir.

Moving on, you were probably the best part of the Rowan Atkinson adventure comedy Johnny English as a Frenchman trying to steal the British throne. Yeah.

According to your IMDB page, you are appearing in a couple of very heavy dramatic films next. After you wrap that nonsense up I ask you to go back to some clever and hilarious roles. A director like Terry Gilliam, a man who knows dark comedy, could do great things with you.

Oh, and BMAD and I are working on a sequel to Rounders where you and John Turturro have to buddy up to take on a rogue traitor in your crew. We are looking to get a meeting with someone at Paramount as we speak.

Now can you just tell me to pay that man his money? Once? Please?

Yours In Bacon,

Fat Man After Dark