Intelligence Sources Expect US Airstrikes, Elton John's Menopause Within The Week

LONDON (CT) - Intelligence sources are now confirming the imminent start to two long-expected events: U.S.-led airstrikes against Iraq, and pop singer Elton John's menopause. "We expect both to commence within the week," said one source who wished not to be identified. "To avoid compromising U.S. or British troops, we can't get any more specific. About the Elton John thing, we don't want to get any more specific." For months British and American intelligence teams have been diligently preparing classified data on Iraq's weapons programs, but a British analyst said "The Americans told us 'we have all we need,'Â? and their work was curtailed. Days later, U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell presented blurry photographs and excerpts of a graduate student's thesis to make the case that Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein was developing chemical and biological weapons. The analysts were "disappointed but not surprised"Â? by the Powell speech. "When the French said they would veto a new UN resolution, we knew Bush was going to war," said a CIA operative known as "Joey Four Ears."Â? "It's not like they were using the data we gave them to make decisions anyway. So when they told us not to worry about Iraq, we didn't. We decided to use our skills more productively." The probe of the man behind "Crocodile Rock"Â? and "Tiny Dancer"Â? began slowly last month, when Britain's MI-5 domestic security agency had been hearing rumors of strange happenings at the singer's UK estate. "We'd heard of some scary stuff," said one MI-5 agent. "Hot flashes, bloated feelings, that sort. So we did a bit of surveillance and found Elton taking a bubble bath, stuffing himself with cheesecake and bonbons... we knew from there it was menopause." A spokesman said John was "out shopping with some girlfriends"Â? and was unavailable for comment.