What's wrong, where are your scissors? and other news

Wrestling news that will be on Sci-Fi this week because of a dog show or something:

*John Cena's neck is missing! No, wait, it's just injured, or, as he puts it, "f___ed up badly. Luckily WWE has been working hard to build up C.M. Punk as a strong babyface champ, with lots of clean pinfalls over top heels, so they're covered if Cena needs time off. But just in case Punk's strong in-ring skills, charisma and popularity aren't enough, Johnny Ace has a foolproof plan: bring back a 48 year old man who recently needed a cane to walk around and put HIM in the main event picture!

*Actually, they're going to need Sid because C.M. Punk has been spotted in street clothes even though Vince asked him to throw out all his regular clothes and just wear wrestling gear. Back to the indies with you, Shirty!

*BREAKING NEWS: Vince McMahon is on a rampage. Here's another developing story: cars have wheels. We'll continue to bring you updates as we learn more.

*Ralphus is back! For Lance Cade's sake let's hope he doesn't want another run as Jericho's sidekick.

*Thunderbolt Patterson gets the Quote of the Day: "With Bruno Sammartino and Ivan Koloff anxiously waiting in the wings for a 9 a.m. Q&A session in the same location, DiBiase quietly gave a cue to Patterson, who responded, 'Jesus doesn't have a time limit.'"