Judge Blocks Bush Address To Nation

WASHINGTON (CT) - Judge Lars Marshall of the 33rd District Court has issued an order barring President Bush from giving the State of the Union address tonight. The 89 year old judge, in a short but rambling opinion full of references to his chronic incontinence, ruled that "there's no way I'm gonna miss my programs just so's the president can talk... it'll have to wait until Friday when they don't have so many good shows on. Now, if you'll excuse me, Wilford Brimley's going to tell me why I need to check my bloodsugar." A coalition of prominent Democrats, television executives and merchants of fine Dutch cheese filed suit last week to block Bush from giving the address, which is given annually to Congress as specified in the Constitution. The legal arguments given by the plaintiffs ranged from "He's just gonna blab about how time is running out for Saddam"Â? to "We would prefer that Martin Sheen give the State of the Union, so the public doesn't get confused"Â? to "Wouldn't we all be better off if the president just ate some fine Dutch cheese?" White House spokesman Ari Fleischer told reporters that Bush was "disappointed in this liberal activist decision. We would've had to wait until at least Thursday anyway... he's not exactly ready yet."Â? Capitol Hill is still buzzing without the anticipated address, however. In lieu of hearing the president's plan to eliminate dividend taxes and his policies toward Iraq and North Korea, Congress will convene to watch Dick Cheney receive an angioplasty from new Senate Majority Leader Dr. Bill Frist. In place of the traditional Democratic response, several House Democrats, led by Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, will team with three New York Yankees and a fish to perform selections from the Who's 1973 rock opera "Quadrophenia" in mime.