How Wrestling Can Save The Domestic Auto Industry

Things aren't looking good for American car makers. Ford lost something like 78 trillion dollars in the last ten minutes. GM is seeing harder times than even Dusty Rhodes, and that other company, the one that makes the K cars, I think they're having trouble too, though I'm not completely sure.

Mystery Partner is nothing if not patriotic - we cheer Hacksaw Jim Duggan, after all - and we want to help. American car makers need a new direction in marketing - enough with the tough men doing tough things in their tough trucks. Away with the smallish, slightly nerdy, very wacky men who do hilarious things in pursuit of a vehicle with better mileage. And enough with the gals and guys having summer fun driving the coast with the top down (the car's top, you perverts). It's time to be truly bold. It's time to bring the wrestling back to auto sales.

Let's start with a fine performance by Steve "Brooklyn Brawler" Lombardi, who does the job even in auto commercials:

Plus, if the auto workers go on strike again, he can show up as Abe "Knuckleball" Schwartz!

This next one is a personal favorite. The (not-yet-Ultimate) Dingo Warrior did a whole series of these commercials. Each is funny - kudos to the one where he breaks Joe Greed out of jail and then shakes him down for a free car - but this one, in which Joe Greed hypnotizes the Warrior, has wrestling implications. Papa Shango watched this very commercial before getting Warrior to barf in the ring:

Lastly, auto barons, consider using the Iron Sheik in your next ad campaign. Not only will be testify to the "unbeatable freedom" your vehicles provide, he'll also explain why the other cars are PUNK JABRONI, THEY ARE WORSE THAN MICHAEL JACKSON, THEY ARE WORSE THAN HULK HOGAN

This advice given at no charge to the American auto industry.