"Sticky Fingers Presents: Rounders"

Welcome to a new segment here at Fat Man After Dark headquarters, something we like to call "Sticky Fingers". This relates to the condition of your digits after eating movie theatre popcorn. They are just slathered in butter and you need a moist towelette to wipe them off before they begin glistening all over the place.

The purpose of "Sticky Fingers" will be to destroy a movie for you. Point out flaws, isuses, the ignoring of logic, and so forth. Our inaugural version will focus on the poker cult classic Rounders.

Rounders stars Matt Damon as Mike, a law school student making ends meet playing poker. He's a talented guy who would rather be in a dingy underground card club with a bunch of other men than spend private time with his hot girlfriend (Gretchen Mol) or poker room manager Petra (Famke Janssen). Just sayin'. Instead of playing it smart, Mike ends up going after the big money in a huge hold'em game at a club run by intense mobster Teddy KGB (John Malkovich). In the end, the Russian sends Mike crying to his mama, aka fellow rounder Joey Knish (John Turturro in another wonderful performance from a career of wondeful performances).

Mike does what most of us would do in this situation: he works a shitty job driving a truck to pay the bills. Soon after, his best friend Worm (played by Ed Norton) gets out of jail. Worm owes money. A lot of money. And his debt was bought by his former lackey Grama with the help of...wait for it...Teddy KGB. Mike gets pulled into this situation and hilarity ensues. Worm fucks up because he's a fuck-up and leaves town after getting caught cheating in a card game with some cops. Mike ends up defeating the cookie-chomping KGB across the poker table in their rematch, after getting a five-figure loan from law school professor Martin Landau, and heads to Vegas with high hopes.

The movie isn't bad. It is actually quite entertaining and became a major part of the huge poker boom. 2003 World Series of Poker main event winner Chris Moneymaker talked about how Rounders got him interested in poker. Well-known professionals like Douchey Negreanu have been spotted on television quoting from the film. Its status is secure but we aren't here to sing its praises, we are hear to tear it a new asshole.

The Five Big Issues In Rounders
SPOILER ALERT

1. Damon begins the movie with $30,000, or as he refers to it "three stacks of high society", and that is his buy-in to the big game where KGB pummels him. At the end of the movie, after he pays back Worm's debt and his professor, he leaves for Vegas with the same $30k. So why didn't he just go to Vegas at the beginning of the movie? Why did he risk his entire bankroll in the big poker game when he didn't need to in order to make his dreams come true? WHY?

2. Mike explains to Knish why he decided to pursue his poker legacy after an encounter with poker legend Johnny Chan.

This is farcical at best. Winning one pot in one game does not mean you are better than or equal to your opponent. That's like you stroking a better putt than Tiger ONE TIME and thinking you should be going to Augusta next year. To quote Stone Cold Steve Austin, "UH UH!"

3. When his professor writes him a check for $10,000, Mike takes it to a check cashing store but then ends up at KGB's club with the entire ten thousand. What, are they doing charity work at the place and wouldn't charge him ridiculous fees?

4. The final hand of the movie:

How does this prove that Mike is better than KGB? He flopped the nuts (the best hand possible) and they were STILL the nuts at the end. If you can't tell because of the camera angles, KGB flops three-of-a-kind, a big hand he wouldn't be able to fold under almost any circumstances. The hand played itself, this wasn't a masterful stroke.

5. My biggest issue with the movie is that every douchebag poker player in Atlantic City or Vegas wants to quote from it at every fucking table. I am someone who LOVES to quote from tv and movies but it's just getting out of hand. And for that I will never forgive Matt Damon.

FMAD insider PizzaBagel suggested that I compare members of our own weekly poker session to players in the movie. So here goes.

SW Dave = Mike
SW Dave is an excellent poker player. Very smart and knows how to get his money in with the best of it. Like Mike, he usually comes out on top.

Lorenzo aka Poltergeist = Teddy KGB
A grizzled veteran and feared competitor. We play at his place, just like they play at KGB's club. And SW Dave always takes him down like Mike did. The similarities are boggling my mind right now.

Binky = Joey Knish
A smart rounder who knows how to get the most out of every hand. Like, for example, he's got a straight flush against someone's full house, Binky knows how to extract the maximum. What? Oh...

PizzaBagel = Worm
Wiry guys who seem to have a knack for being ultra slippery and coming away with big wins at the poker table.

FMAD = Professor Petrovsky
A member of the legal community willing to extend assistance when necessary and a bit of a poker player. Sounds about right.

Buffalo = Johnny Chan
Big Chinese poker player casting a wide shadow over the game. Everyone is gunning for him.

Buchananite = Various
There are several scenes of bad poker players losing their money. Buchananite plays all of those roles.