Rumsfeld: Mother Nature Giving Free Air, Water To Iraq

WASHINGTON (CT) - Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told reporters he is "running out of patience"Â? with Mother Nature and the free air and water she is giving to Iraq. "That damned woman is aiding our enemy, and I find that very troubling,"Â? Rumsfeld said at his daily briefing about the war in Iraq. "It's got to stop or so help me God, I'll kick her fat a** myself." Rumsfeld then began choking a potted plant near the door of the press room and was quickly led out of the room by nurses. A Pentagon spokeswoman immediately clarified her boss's remarks to read "Mother Nature is a valued partner in the coalition of the willing." Pentagon sources say that Rumsfeld has been increasingly defensive in recent days due to news reports that he had overruled military leaders' recommendations in preparing for a military strike against Saddam Hussein. At yesterday's briefing Rumsfeld called criticism of the Iraq strategy "Satanic"Â? and likened several members of the Pentagon press pool to "one of those gay couples that likes to hang upside down in duct tape while they're doing it." U.S. intelligence sources say that thousands of breaths of air have been smuggled through the UN-mandated no fly zones to Iraqi soldiers, while water has come through numerous rivers and ports. Military sources say General Tommy Franks has asked aides to develop strategies to possibly cut off the air and water to Iraqi troops. Retired General Dirk McGaffin told Campaign Treehouse that such a strategy "could be very beneficial militarily, though it well might asphyxiate hundreds of our own troops, not to mention Iraqi civilians, if we're not careful." Mother Nature refused comment to reporters, but sent a cold front and light snow over Massachusetts, which Pentagon analysts naturally took as a rebuke to Secretary Rumsfeld.