Halliburton Scandals Looking Good Compared To Abu Ghraib Abuses

WASHINGTON (CT) - A shocked world pieces together reports of torture, murder and mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners by American personnel, stunned by the graphic photos and despicable brutality. At beleaguered Halliburton, however, prison abuse is welcome news. "This is the best day in the history of this company," says spokesman Rob Permian. "A huge Iraq scandal and it wasn't us! We had NOTHING to do with it!" While analysts agree that the revelations damage America's credibility in bringing stability and freedom to Iraq, some add that Halliburton's shaky postwar reputation will improve in the scandal's wake, especially compared to the contractors whose employees were allegedly involved in the prison abuses. "Halliburton's seen better days,"Â? says economist Walt Greer. "They've been accused of overcharging the Pentagon, selling dirty water to our troops and pulling the 'Do Not Remove' tags off mattresses sent to Iraq. But they haven't sodomized people with broom handles. These other companies make you want to plant a big wet kiss on Halliburton, don't they? And then take off their shirts and rub their- uh, bye!" Halliburton's new PR ad shows employees working in Iraq, while a narrator gives a not-so-subtle jab at competitors: "America stands for opportunity, and Halliburton's taken plenty of 'opportunities' in Iraq. But when it comes to a human pyramid of nude POW's, even we draw the line. We'll do anything for a buck. We just won't stick a broom up your hinder to do it." Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said he was "pleased" with Halliburton's pledge and gave the company a $10 billion no-bid contract to restore one-hour photo service in Baghdad. "This scandal's win-win for everyone involved," Permian told reporters. Asked if it was "win-win"Â? for the tortured prisoners, he paused and added, "Well, maybe not them."