Delay Struck Down, Becomes More Powerful Than We Can Possibly Imagine

WASHINGTON (CT) - Texas Congressman Tom Delay was struck down earlier this week, announcing he would step down from Congress and not seek reelection, but vowed to "become more powerful than you could possibly imagine" in joining with the Force.

Tom Delay, with his advisors.

"Oh, I'm not dead - not yet,"Â? Delay said in his address to constituents. He then pointedly told his detractors, "You can't win."

The powerful former House Majority Leader had been under investigation for a number of alleged ethics violations and potential violations of Texas campaign finance law. Delay reiterated his innocence in the speech, saying "Everything I have done is legal. What I've told the authorities is true... from a certain point of view."

Delay had previously said he would "fight the Dark forces wherever they may show up,"Â? but analysts say the announcement that his former Padawan learner, Tony Rudy, had plead guilty to criminal charges and cooperate with investigators convinced the congressman it was time to step down. Sources have also said that influential members of the Jedi Council, including Jedi Master George Windu Bush, communicated with Delay through the Force, urging him to step down, but these rumors have been unsubstantiated.

Delay has said he would continue to be involved in politics while outside of the House. A spokesman announced a summer speaking tour, with stops on Hoth, Endor and Dagobah. Delay has also offered to help mediate several Separatist-related conflicts in the Outer Rim Territories.

Darth Lampson, the man who was to face Delay in the fall election, was unavailable for comment.

In related news, Democratic Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney of Georgia attempted to use the Force when entering a Capitol Hill building, but was stopped by a security guard asking for identification. "You don't need to see my identification," she said, waving her hand for emphasis.