Cheney Liberates Quail Field From Hunting Companion

AUSTIN (CT) - Vice President Dick Cheney liberated a South Texas quail ground over the weekend, and promised elections would be held before the end of the year.

"We have the terrorists on the run,"Â? Cheney said upon returning to the hospital. "Let that be a lesson to those who would have us retreat and appease, rather than push forward."

The Vice President's bold, decisive action is part of his long-held policy of using overwhelming military force to overpower potential enemies, be it a repressive dictatorship in Iraq, an Al-Qaida sleeper cell in Afghanistan or, as in this case, a 78 year old lawyer from Austin. "Direct threats require decisive action,"Â? Cheney is reported to have said before firing.

Republican politicians and bloggers quickly defended the vice president, saying the Armstrong Ranch had been overrun by anti-American forces. "I'm proud of Vice President Cheney," said Senator Elizabeth Dole of North Carolina. "His courage shows the world that America is not going to wait around to get hit again."

"Everyone knows half the quail in that field were gay Moslems,"Â? added columnist Ann Coulter. "I'm just disappointed he didn't shoot anyone from the New York Times."

Critics decried the incident as warmongering. Democratic Party chair Howard Dean told reporters the shooting was "typical, since Dick Cheney goes around shooting at Americans every day of his life."Â? Meanwhile, Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy, who Cheney once confronted with angry vulgarity on the Senate floor, has asked for a temporary restraining order against the vice president. "Just in case,"Â? Leahy said, leaving a Washington courtroom.

The victim, Harry Whittington, was reported in stable condition at a nearby hospital with injuries to his face, neck and chest. He is the first man to be shot by a sitting Vice President since Alexander Hamilton.