Dole Uses Eerie Powers On N.C. Voters

RALEIGH-DURHAM, N.C. (CT) - Republican Senate candidate Elizabeth Dole, known for her forays into the audience at stump speeches, announced today that she plans to talk one-on-one with every North Carolina resident before Election Day. "Mrs. Dole is brilliant at establishing a one-on-one bond with voters. It's almost hypnotic,"Â? says spokesman Joseph Salem. "It's impossible not to like her when you meet her. If every voter gets to see Mrs. Dole up close and personal, they'll better understand her plan for bringing North Carolina's ideas to Washington, and we'll be better positioned for victory in November." Dole put this strategy into practice at today's rally outside Ray's Kick-ass Hot Dogs, with positive results. "She's good, boy,"Â? said one voter who asked to be indentified as Former Senate Leader Bob D. "She's real good. One on one, yep. Bob Dole loves it. I mean, Former Senate Leader Bob D. loves it. Whatever. If I lived in North Carolina, I'd vote for her, and if it wasn't for this humiliating reproductive dysfunction I'd show her a heckuva night." Dole's charms were hard to resist even for members of the press, as she talked with each reporter, including the reporter from Campaign Treehouse. When pressed, this reporter not only shared his belief that Dole's health care plan was fairly progressive for a Republican, but wrote a $5000 check to her political action committee (using Campaign Treehouse funds). Dole's opponent, former Clinton chief of staff Erskine Bowles, attended the Dole rally to pass out fliers attacking her positions on abortion and defense, but Dole forged a bond with him so quickly that he instructed aides to rewrite the position paper to actually endorse her candidacy. "It's all going well,"Â? Salem said. "And if we don't win, we'll send her to bond with the election judges!"