Jackson Wants Statehood For Secure Undisclosed Location

WASHINGTON (CT) - Reverend Jesse Jackson has never been one to shy away from unpopular causes. "I fight for right, and I walk the talk, and I rhyme each time,"Â? said the charismatic civil rights leader, commentator and sometime Democratic candidate. Jackson's newest campaign is for Congress to give statehood to the undisclosed secure location where Vice-President Dick Cheney sometimes sleeps. "My dream is that people of all colors and religions can create a common heritage in the undisclosed secure location and build a new future together," Jackson said at a press conference announcing the creation of SUSLA (Statehood for Undisclosed Secure Location Association). "It's time for America to stand up for the rights of the citizens of that location, and I will do everything I can so America hears them say, 'We're here, and we're Americans too!'" Cheney occasionally sleeps in the location, nicknamed "Dick's Cool-land"Â? by President Bush, to allay fears of a government shutdown during a terrorist attack. Jackson's opponents derided his proposal as demagoguery. Said one Capitol Hill beat reporter, "He never stops, does he? The only reason he wants statehood for that place is so he can run for Congress there." One obstacle to statehood would be the fact that the location is undisclosed and therefore not found on maps, which would limit the new state's tourism and transportation industries. Two cartographers working for the National Geographic Society went into the secure location to map its dimensions, but came out nearly empty-handed. "It's pretty boring,"Â? said one of the mapmakers. "There's a bed, an alarm clock and Cheney's heart pills, and believe me, after those there just isn't a lot of room for any more stuff." Cheney's secretary told the press that the Vice President was taking seven heart pills and was therefore unavailable for comment.