Put All Your Money in Teakettles (But Don't Turn Them On) Jul 02, 2007

Here's what else doesn't work – investing in clothing made of nachos. Sure, a hat is one thing, but a pleated nacho cumberbund is just gonna lead to problems.

Dutch Life - Or Thug Life? Jun 02, 2007

Imagine you're an eighth grader, and you have to decide whether you want to be a regular, law-abiding citizen of the Netherlands or a controversial rapper, cause if you don't you'll be barred from any of Europe's most prestigious bus museums.
Imagine If Horses Stopped Shoveling Things May 06, 2007

Ask an average voter about the biggest problems facing working horses today and they're likely to say “sanitation,” “static cling” or even “the fear of being ridden by Tony Danza.”
Fourth Dimensional Neck Surgery Apr 01, 2007

Many people decide which medical practitioners they can trust based on music, and I can sympathize. If “The Girl From Ipanema” is playing in their waiting room, that's a good sign. But if they get wheeled in for brain surgery and there's a copy of “Foghat Takes Toronto” next to the band saw, well, don't expect to remember your vowels when you wake up.

I Don't Need Saxophone Instructional Pamphlets and I Never Will Mar 01, 2007

Remember when bulk orders of glazing putty were all the rage? Those were the days. Dick Clark would come on the stage and say "The Platters will play another song for us if we put in a 200 pound putty order" and everyone would cheer and fill out forms in triplicate.

Nostradamus Was a Bad Standup Comic Feb 03, 2007

Here's an old joke for you. What's black and white and red all over? Give up? "Plague of the North, they shall devour human flesh and snakes, women and little children."
If There Are Aliens, Make Sure They Don't Get Home Field Advantage Jan 01, 2007

I once watched William Faulkner's second cousin play underwater table tennis against Aunt Jemima's neighbor. I won fifty bucks when Faulkner's cousin swallowed the ball by mistake and ended up in the hospital.

Let's Stop Rationing Teeth Dec 02, 2006

Back then, fisticuffs didn't actually mean you hit the other guy – it was really a mustache contest. You'd stand there with your arms outstretched so your mustache would twirl better, which was what the judges were looking for.

If I Was A Coupon, I'd Be Worth More Than 1/20th of a Cent Nov 02, 2006

If you have trouble showing your emotions, there's a "why" or "Y" to explain you (or "whyou" as we're supposed to spell it now). Same if you have a bad temper, or withhold love from your kids, or have a compulsion to fall off moving buses while singing the theme to the Partridge Family.

There Should Be A Directory Of Goldfish Play Groups Oct 01, 2006

One of the fish was a delinquent and just wanted to mess with everybody. He would always turn his back during story hour, or swim away from the class so he could challenge the angel fish in the next tank to fights.