via Bordom.net

Calvin Bernard Hill, 54, was arrested on a felony battery charge following an altercation in the back of a PT Cruiser being driven by a female acquaintance of the duo. According to a Greenwood City Police Department report, Hill stabbed the 41-year-old victim in the ribs after they left a party.

Interviewed at the hospital, the victim–whose name was redacted from the police report–said that “he and Mr. Hill got into a verbal altercation about who can have the most sex.”

In other words, the argument was over who was more smooth! Sorry to say, fellas, the right answer is neither one of you. Right, Nick?

Just one more note from this report before we go:

“tussling match” ensued and he ended up being stabbed, recalled the victim, who was initially found bleeding profusely by a cop identified as “Captain Morgan.”

You don’t say.

I carry a badge.

[Bits and Pieces]

Brady,

What should I do if it lasts more than four hours?

- Andrew in Seattle

Easy one, You should have a pizza. Or better yet, sing about how much you want pizza. Like these folks are doing:

If I’m reading the metadata on the video correctly, this is a breakout session from the 2007 Mindfulness Through Wanting Pizza seminar in Big Sur (they’re going to be big players at the next round of TED talks, or at least at the box lunch station just outside the next round of TED talks). Are they concerned about it lasting longer than four hours? No, because that isn’t about wanting pizza. Two hours? Four hours? Time is irrelevant. There is no time. There is mushrooms and pepperoni.

The answer here does change a bit if you’re a pizza yourself. If that’s the case, and it lasts for more than four hours, don’t start chanting. Instead, team up with an order of crazy fries, some special dipping sauce and a 44 ounce fountain drink, and hope the customer has a coupon. The bigger the savings, the better your chances of avoiding permanent damage.

Life changes in the instant.

You sit down to dinner and cheese bacon mushroom face as you know it ends.

This is what the front page of Incomprehensibly Translated News would look like if a distracted driver accidentally plowed into Mayor McCheese of McDonaldland. And then I would have to write a one-woman show for Vanessa Redgrave exploring the aftermath. Don’t let this happen, people. Stop sending dirty pictures of yourselves to friends and/or ESPN personalities while in the car.

Luckily, today’s actual news is more to our liking:

[Bordom]

via Neatorama

Finding this uproarious tale on The Smoking Gun was the will of the Force.

A California man who legally changed his name to “Obiwan Kenobi” was released from jail yesterday after spending five days in custody following his arrest on a hit-and-run count.

Kenobi, 37, has been charged with leaving the scene of a five-car accident last month in Roseville. According to cops, Kenobi’s reckless driving triggered the chain-reaction collision.

Please no “now this is podracing!” jokes at this time.

Formerly known as Benjamin Cale Feit, Kenobi changed his name in 1999 in response to a radio stunt tied to the release of “Stars Wars: Episode I.” A California station offered $1000 to the first listener to legally change their name to that of the fictional Jedi master.

While one never likes to see these incidents play out, one does hope that, upon being asked for name and address during booking, Mr. Kenobi told the police “you don’t need to see my identification.”

Mondays get meta on this site, and this is textbook meta right here. Is there a meta textbook, by the way? If so, Darcy the cow should write the first chapter, after skipping the farm to visit McDonald’s:

Remember in the first Star Trek movie how the Enterprise figured out that the giant threatening energy cloud V’ger was actually an old space probe looking to merge with a human “Creator”? Maybe Darcy the cow is our V’ger, scoping out the local fast food joint. Although in her case, she went back to the farm; she didn’t stick around to merge with anybody. Still, if the cow creates a clone of Persis Khambatta to communicate with us I’d keep an eye on her.

[Consumerist: Escaped Cow Visits McDonald's Drive-Thru, Ponders Circle of Life]

via EPICponyz

Food, too, gets cooler as you add blaxploitation in there – that’s the idea behind this muffin package that looks something like Jim “Black Belt Jones” Kelly:

But these folks didn’t just stop with the packaging – look at the muffin itself!

As Frank Zappa’s muffin man might have put it, “some people like blaxploitation cupcakes better. I, for one, care less for them!”