"Here's an old joke for you. 'What's black and white and red all over?' 'Plague of the North, they shall devour human flesh and snakes, women and little children.'"
"The A-Team regroups after a tight getaway by watching Woody Woodpecker at a motel. Seriously."
"Don't invest in clothing made of nachos. Sure, a hat is one thing, but a pleated nacho cumberbund is just gonna lead to problems."
"Bikers rev their engines and project menace, but since the only resident in town is locked in a closet the display isn't very impressive."
"Believe me, there ain't nothing more action-packed than a foot race between Dirk Benedict and Dean Stockwell."
"There's underprivileged kids making ashtrays, hillbilly sheriffs, party cake, Ken Norton – what more could you want?"
"As it turns out, John Saxon's amphetamine-fueled ranting is a weak defense against homegrown flamethrowers."
“My child, if you want a chance at a better life – if you want to not be someone's fool, then you must follow Mr. T wherever he goes.”
"It was times like these when I thought my Twinkie, who hated guns and had never been to any wars, was the bravest snack cake who ever lived."
"If only 'Family Ties' had thought to equip the Keatons with plastic explosives instead of Scott 'Hey, Mallo-ry!' Valentine."
"I trusted a riding lawnmower once and it let me down!"
Why aren't more things made out of NERF? Why aren't more things made out of dried Liquid Paper?
It's easy to mistake college painters for fugitive members of the Politburo
"Elves write songs while they wait for the Fudge Stripes to finish baking"
On January 3, 1983, it was announced that Gary Coleman ate "Wheaties"
"When you're an 11 year old diehard wrestling nut, even a Dirk Benedict movie sounds exciting."
"An erotic thriller is erotic and a thriller, and they're thrillers that are also erotic. Everybody got that?"
if there's a copy of “Foghat Takes Toronto” next to the band saw, don't expect to remember your vowels when you wake up.
"Dear suckers, you just shelled out six million bucks for a handful of us to write '24' recaps and long treatises on Emperor Palpatine's political beliefs."
"Remember when bulk orders of glazing putty were all the rage? Those were the days."
"I, who was 12 when Appetite For Destruction came out, now have great grandchildren."
"Let's talk about 'fantasy' sports for a second. They're just like the real ones! If they made pickles that were just like regular pickles, you wouldn't call them 'fantasy pickles.'"
"I don't want magic pixies to worry if I'm going to try to sell them a collection of lite-rock hits from the 70's."
"The meaning of 'Walking in Memphis' is pretty obvious: a man with super-powers has a reasonably good weekend visiting Memphis."
"So you thought The Muppet Show wanted Paul Simon to sing the works of Neil Diamond!"
Here I was sure that the Muggle Prime Minister of Britain was standing in for Gabe Kaplan.
"I'm so glad I didn't take a motherf___ing liquid fuel barge to motherf___ing Belgium."
